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She's cheer captain and I'm on the bleachers.

Senior Year brought a real prom with Lovin' Boy's public school rather than the requisite Jr/Sr Banquet at my small, Christan school. This momentous occasion required grooming above and beyond. This was, after all, the famed Peabody Hotel, not the local country club. This promised to be a classy, sophisticated affair with a local band and crystal punch bowl. This requires the kind of overpriced meal which leaves prom going teenagers uncomfortably dissatisfied after failing to eat the entire day due to excitement and anticipation.

I was definitely gonna need a manicure.

My Aunt P was on the job. She was enlisted as my personal manicurist. My mother and I trekked across town to her with visions of glam dancing in our heads.

Imagine my shame when she judged my cuticles to be disgraceful. Among the worst she'd seen, said she. She worked diligently and skillfully to remedy my poor finger grooming skills while I endured continuous commentary on the state of my hands: "She has This One's hands." "No! They're the spitting image of That One's." Like that.
Who knew handalikes was a topic?

The final product was lovely. A French manicure, as I recall. Unfortunately, I promptly ruined my beautiful manicure on the way home and removed the polish altogether before Go Time, replacing it with plain, clear polish which we justified with adjectives like "elegant" and "unpretentious".

I admit insufficient cuticle care has followed me throughout my life. I can never leave a manicure well enough alone and I don't moisturize like I should. My germ phobia compels me to frequent handwashing, producing cracked fingertips and tacky cuticles. To this very day.

Sadly, this is just one of many ways I'm not that good of a person.

Unpretentious, yes. Elegant, no.


• When blowdrying my hair, I lose patience halfway through and rely on product to try and smooth it out.

• I can't wear strappy shoes because my feet are ridiculously wide.

• I hide in hoodies all winter long.

• I usually apply make up in the car right before I leave the driveway.

• I never wear earrings and rarely change my necklace.

• My cuticles are disgraceful.


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