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Showing posts from December, 2014

Never was the way it is.

You've been gone so long, I guess I barely even know you anymore. When I sighed my permission you made short work of running away from me. I'm ready, you insisted, dragging a black plastic bag behind you. All sharp edges and corners. 
You left forever only to return again and again in my heart.
I don't want to be the reason you stay but each time you go, I have to know that gut wrenching destruction of the tenuous bond we try to create.
Each time it's pain
built on regret
followed by anger
built on sadness
followed by grief.
One more time around. It's no wonder I feel dread in between. I just know there's no use in crying because I'm not letting anyone soothe what they can't untangle.
It's not fair really. How can anyone follow you?

Reflections in the waves spark my memories.

Furrowed in my brow, I feel you with me. While understanding eluded me, your role was a mystery. Time marched on, and through, the lines in my brow. (Those, I came by honestly.)

Because I never knew the heaviness in your shame even as its spirit latched onto mine. Only you never meant for me to embrace it as often as I still do.

You couldn't have known how I would let your desperation settle into my broken places when you confessed how empty you'd become. So empty that life had lost all meaning.

Sometimes, you thought to yourself, how easy would it be to get that gun and make it all go away. There it sat, waiting in the next room, you explained, as I sat listening in silent panic. The pain, emotional as well as physical, never left your side. Didn't you know mental anguish, for the sake of solidarity, is contagious?

From that moment in my 10th year and for each moment thereafter, I wore my empathy like a threadbare coat. It was not until this moment that I understood I …